1.A Man Has Needs
Baby i wanna tell you all my hopes and dreams and fears
But i'm watching television, could you get me another beer
There's wrestling and pro football on, i hope you understand
I must watch it all for i am a man
And a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he perspires
'til the stains show on his shirt
I missed our anniverary and the birth of our son
It was beyond my control, my team was on a playoff run
Oh baby, baby, baby, you mean everything to me
But could you move your butt, you're blocking the tv？
And a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he does tire
Gets sleepy and naps on the couch
Oh baby, oh honey, oh darling, oh pudding, what are you doing
with that suitcase？ leaving me？ what do you mean we don't
communicate？ we're talking all the time. we're talk about-- ooh!
monster t
! that little volkswagon ain't got no chance against the
cowcrusher! c'mon cowcrusher, crush that little volks-- you're
gone. i hope she left me one of them pudding pops. they're
tasty.
And a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And he shops at canadian tire
And he always keeps his coupons
And a man has needs
And a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds
And a man he expires
And he cried when wayne gretzky retired
2.Steel Drivin' Man
Special guest vocalist, mike's dad：bob mccormick
(mike's dad appears courtesy of mike's mom)
There once was a time when the country was wide. a time before
cars and planes and minivans. so, to move things from one place
to the other, the railroad was built. but it just didn't up and
bui
Self. nope, it was built by the railroad men. and among these
men was a man among men among men among men among men among men,
a man as tall as the sky and as wide as the land. a man who
could l
Ack faster than anyone else could run. a man with the strength
of ten men. his name was john henry, and i'm not gonna sing
about him. no, i'm gonna sing about a lesser know figure, one
who doesn
Serve a song. a man as lazy as a thousand men. a man who could
barely raise his own body off the ground. a man who was barely a
man at all. his name was mike mccormick.
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
He'd get up in the morning to hammer in them spikes
Unless he'd been up drinking the previous night
Or if his bones weren't feeling right
Or if it looked like it was going to rain
He had a tendency of being late for work
And everyone around thought he was a jerk
He'd take long breaks and say his back was hurt
Then he'd have a drink to ease the pain
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Mike's dad： mike! mike! get up, mike!
Mike： what, what is it？
Mike's dad： get up, it's time to go to work.
Mike： awww, already？
Mike's dad： well, don't you want to hammer in them spikes？
Mike： no.
Mike's dad： oh.
His arms were like twigs and his legs were like straws
His hands were like a baby's bum they were so soft
He'd wheeze and moan and whine and cough
Then go home and take a little nap
He never got fired cuz he was the boss' son
He just hung around and bothered everyone
Never drove a spike, not a single one
Though now and then he'd give a tap
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Mike's dad： mike! mike! mike!
Mike： what？ what is it？
Mike's dad： they say they got a big machine that they say can
drive in nails faster than any man alive.
Mike： sounds like a good idea.
Mike's dad： no! no! no!
Mike： yeah, it'll work faster.
Mike's dad： you don't understand! you see, it's gonna cost us
all our jobs. you, mike mccormick, gotta prove 'em wrong!
Mike： okay.
So he took his hammer and hammered one time (ow!)
He took his hammer and hammered two times (oh, jeez!)
He took his hammer and hammered three times (ohhh!)
Then he got crushed by a meteor and died
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man
Mike mccormick was a steel drivin' man (steel drivin' maaaan)
3.Great To Be A Nerd
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
The only light we ever see is from our moniter
We argue about comic books and internet connections
The biggest highlight of the year is the star trek convention
Our town's not big enough to sign up any stars
But we once met a red shirt who was phasered by a borg
(man, he knew mr. sulu!) (what？)
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We wear our star trek uniforms and talk like captain kirk
We have our own heroes who we try to emulate
I dream of one day being as sexy as bill gates
We hate watching sports 'cause we're reading carl sagan
But we'd watch the olympics if they played dungeons and dragons
(i'm a hobbitt! ha ha ha ha!)
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We think tolkein was a genius and shakespeare was a turd
We rarely get a date or get talked to by a girl
Unless they're having trouble with their algebra homework
We're emotionally bereft and we're sexually frustrated
But we can download photographs of agent scully naked
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We know the truth is out there but we'd have to leave our room
We are the nerds in your neighbourhood
Polyester's a fashion statement
But there's more room on the beach for you
'cause we're locked in our basement
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We like to wear colours that do not appear in nature
It's great to be a
Poorly-dressed fashionless
Star trekking roleplaying
Ninety pound when wet down
Pasty skinned pop drinking
Underfed genius
Yes, it's great to be a nerd
4.Celine Dion
I think i've got a crush on celine dion
The way she beats her chest when she sings a love song
There's something about her makes me want to feed her
And i'd love to be mister celine dion
She'll sing a song in english, and she'll sing en francais
Both the songs will suck, but i love her anyway
She's full of emotion, i'm full of devotion
For celine and i'll be hers someday
Oh celine dion, you soft-rock my world
Won't you please be mine celine
I would do anything, if you'd be my girl
Oh, be my girl celine
I sent you cards and letters, but you don't respond
You play hard to get, but my heart goes on and on (and on and
on, etc...)
I just wanna say, je aimerez
And i can see your house from my van
Oh celine dion, you soft-rock my world
Won't you please be mine celine
I would do anything, if you'd be my girl
Oh, be my girl celine
Celine celine
Her skin's so soft and clean
Just like porcelain
I wish she'd slather me
With a tub of vaseline
(that was a little creepy) i'm sorry, celine
Celine celine
Celine dion
5.Rocks And Trees
My country's bigger than most
And if asked i boast
'cause i'm really proud
So i shout it loud
Though our numbers are few
We will welcome you
Although we don't have history
Gold medal winning teams
Heroes or prisoners
World famous volcanoes
Still what we've got's glorious
'cause we've got
Rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And water
All right, everyone!
We've got
Rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And rocks and trees
And trees and rocks
And water
In canada, canada, canada, canada, canada, canada, canada,
canada
Canada, canada, canada, canada, canada, canada, canada, canada
6.The Gaelic Song
Through the ages, through war, pestilence and sleet, the celtic
culture has survived, it's songs and dances passed from father
to son, from mother to daughter, from uncle to goat. and though
few
L speak gaelic, the ancient language of the celts, all hearts
are still stirred by the beautiful tones of this mellifluous
tongue.
Ah ma wee hach patew mae bo clee hach maneagh
Heow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow bark meow
Saigh hough loo loo cheow dach hagh vreigh chouach mouheaugh
Douauh meah mae couchah moo ma meagh pach hooragh
And though other cultures tried to destroy them, driven no doubt
by their jealousy of the celts' fine fashion sense and edible
cuisine, they did not surrender. actually, they surrendered
quite o
But they were never entirely wiped out, clinging to the corners
of small islands, their voices raised in song, the clarion call
of the pipes ringing out to the heavens.
(undescribably beautiful penny-whistle solo)
Ah ma wee hach patew mae bo clee hach maneagh
Heow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow bark meow
Saigh hough loo loo cheow dach hagh vreigh chouach mouheaugh
Douauh meah mae couchah moo ma meagh pach hooragh
Ah ma wee hach patew mae bo clee hach maneagh
Heow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow bark meow
Saigh hough loo loo cheow dach hagh vreigh chouach mouheaugh
Douauh meah mae couchah moo ma meagh pach hooragh
Meach bo meah mea bloh meah hoo noo euach moo doo beah
7.Wong's Chinese Buffet
I'm feeling hungry, empty tummy, and i want to make it full
So i spend the day at wong's buffet and i eat till i explode
There's sixty types of oriental delights, i gotta have them all
Chicken wings and onion rings, and sweet and sour balls
At wong's, come and sail with me
At wong's, on the sea of gluttony
At wong's, eat until it hurts
But don't forget there's pudding for dessert
The chicken's tough, the noodles are rough
And the chow mein's three days old
But it's quantity not quality that has got my soul
So fill that plate, no mistake, there's no holding back
I won't stop until i got a packed digestive tract
A wong's, no meal is a loss
At wong's covered in red sauce
At wong's, everything is battered
And what's inside doesn't even matter
Stop! ooooohhhhh. second plate! huh! third plate! oh.
Fourth plate. ooooohh. dessert. uuuuuuugg.
Fortune cookie. i ate the fortune.
I try to leave, i want to heave, my whole body hurts
Can barely stand, i tell you man, i got my money's worth
If i get the time i'm going to go to china
And eat at their ancient buffets
But i'm wonderin', how they stay so thin
Eating like this every day
At wong's, give chopsticks a try
At wong's, to pick up your french fry
At wong's, you know i'm coming back
Eating here's worth the heart attack
Wong's chinese buffet
8.I Am Cow!!!!
I am cow, hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And i look good on the barbecue
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's
Made from liquid from my udders
I am cow, i am cow, hear me moo (moo)
I am cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when i belch
Oh, the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow, i am cow, i've got gas
I am cow, here i stand
Far and wide upon this land
And i am living everywhere
From b.c. to newfoundland
You can squeeze my teats by hand
I am cow, i am cow, i am cow
I am cow, i am cow, i am cow!
9.Johnny Came Home Headless
Oh, johnny was a tall man but his memory was short
He'd forget to at doorways and often he'd get hurt
I took good care of him for he had no family
Actually he did, but he forgot who they be
Johnny often liked to go out on the town
He'd forget where he'd be going so he'd just wander around
I when he was back for i would hear the smack
Of his head hitting the doorway but tonight it was alack
Johnny came home headless, it was a great disgrace
But wherever it's a-lying there's a smile upon his face
I should have seen it coming, he finally lost his mind
But if his head don't turn up soon then all his hats are mine
Johnny came towards me but suddenly he stopped
As if trying to think of something but having no luck
Still he didn't notice that his head weren't there
'til he took out a brush and tried to comb his hair
I said, 'johnny where's your cranium？' but he didn't seem to
know
He just shrugged his shoulders and tried to find his nose
And the sight of him there topless made me start to cry
For i learned we'd ne'er see eye to eye
Johnny came home headless, it was a great disgrace
But wherever it's a-lying there's a smile upon his face
I should have seen it coming, he should have stayed in bed
For now i fear he'll spend his life just trying to get ahead
Refusing to believe that he had split for good
His lower half and me searched the neighbourhood
It soon became apparent that his head we wouldn't find it
He could not retrace his steps, he was absent minded
Well years went by til late one night i heard a voice i swore
Was johnny calling out to me, i flung open the door
Johnny's head was home, it took a taxi cab
Alas, it was too late, his body had gone bad
Johnny's head was homeless, his body was cremated
And the funeral was harder than he had anticipated
I should of seen it coming he said in his eulogy
But never thought i'd have to say i ain't got no-body
(i ain't got nobody)
Johnny came home headless, it was a great disgrace
But now his head's upon a shelf, a smile upon his face
But now his head's upon a shelf, a smile upon his face
10.Heimlich Maneuver
I love you so much i need the heimlich maneuver
The sun goes down on another day
A day where i haven't found love
I try to eat, but all i taste
Is the flavor of a broken heart
Then i saw you across the room
I gasp and my breathing stops
My heart's in my throat, or is it a potato？
I love you so much, i need the hiemlich manuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
My love is consumating, while i'm asphyxiating
Over her
When i wake up, i'm on the floor
Faint, dizzy and alone
My stomach hurts, i think my ribs are cracked
Not sure if i'm in a dream
I turn my head, and there you are
I call out and my breathing stops
It's her again, crushing my esophagus
I love you so much, i need the hiemlich manuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
Before my expiration, i need resuscitation
Mouth to mouth
She throws water on my face, slaps my cheek
Helps me back on my stool
She's a waitress here, but in the night
She's a student at nursing school
She comes again with a smile and the bill
I pick it up and choke again
She's charged me for my lunch and for the medical procedure
I love you so much, i need the hiemlich manuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
For my lasting endurance, i'll need medical insurance
For my bill
For me to get some peace, i'll need a tracheotomy
And an airbag
11.Scary Ned
Let me tell you a story about scary ned
Scariest guy to ever wet a bed
He had hands on his arms and eyes on his head
But they weren't his
He'd go down to the market and try to scare the fish
He said that they bothered him, they weren't his favorite dish
Then he'd go down to the highway and pretend that he was dead
That just the way he was, creepy scary ned
Ooohh oohhhhh scary ned
Ned loved halloween cuz he didn't need a mask
He'd steal the children's candy, he didn't even ask
He'd sit right down in front of them and then he'd start to eat
He'd tell them they were better off cuz that stuff can rot your
teeth
Ooohh oohhhhh ooohh oohhhhh scary ned
A strange glow would come from his place late into the night
He'd watch t.v. 'til the dawn, you know that ain't right
If he started to get tired he'd rub sauerkraut on his head
That's just the kind of guy he was, good old scary ned
Ooohh oohhhhh ooohh oohhhhh ooohh oohhhhh scary ned
He had a face his mother didn't love
When people saw on the street they often said 'uughh!'
Sometimes late at night he'd walk alone
He'd be reciting stuff
Bad sounding stuff
Icky awful stuff
But when you got to know him, he weren't so bad
Ooohh oohhhhh scary ned
Ooohh oohhhhh ooohh oohhhhh ooohh oohhhhh scary ned
He's pretty scary
Scary ned
Really scary
Scary ned
He's scary
Hence the name
Scary ned
I saw him yesterday
He said 'hi'
I got scared
'cause he's
Scary ned
If he weren't scary
I supposed he'd be called
Like, happy ned
And who wants to hear a song about
Happy ned (happy ned)
12.Sponges
Can't think of anything to sing about
Not much out there to sing about
The world's okay, the weather's fine
No need to sing about that
I'll sing about
Sponges
Sponges yeah!
Sponges
Sponges yeah yeah
Sponges suck, sponges suck
Sponges absorb liquid then you squeeze them out yeah!
There's lots of songs of peace
Lots of songs of love
Even songs about peaches and valkyries
No songs about
Tuna fish, tuna fish, tuna fish, tuna fish
They're real big and swim in oceans
Come in cans like hockey pucks
Tuna got their names 'cause they don't swim in pairs!
Get it？ tuna. are there two of those fish？ nah! two-nah!
two-nah! it's funny! hee hee! no？ i like tuna.
Sponges
Sponges yeah!
Sponges
Sponges yeah yeah
Sponges suck, sponges suck
Sponges suck, sponges suck
Sponges clean up dishes and sinks
And countertops and baby's noses
They suck up soap and when you squeeze them out they make
Bubbles!
Bubbles!
Bubbles!
Sponges
13.Log In To You
You double-clicked my heart
You've upgraded my life
You booted up my hard drive
Please be my cyber-wife
You've logged into my soul
You've downloaded my dreams
Let's go to my chat-room
And i'll show you what i mean
I wanna log in to you
So i can prove my love is true
You're the apple of my ibm, let me interface with you
I wanna log in to you
(log in to you)
Password incorrect
My login was denied
I gotta open up your motherboard
Put my pentium inside
I got a 21' screen
The colours'll make you dizzy
My attachments are full of love for you
But your modem still rings busy (beep beep)
Www dot love
You at me dot com
You can unzip all my floppy files
And spin my cd-rom
I wanna log in to you
So i can prove my love is true
I'm free of any virus
And i've been debugged too
I wanna log in to you
So i can prove my love is true
Come be my laptop dancer, i got lotsa ram for you
I wanna log in to you
Www dot love
You at me dot com
Www dot love
You at me dot com
Www dot love (c'mon c'mon!)
You at me dot com (everybody now!)
Www dot love (lemme hear ya!)
You at me dot com (yeah!)
Www dot love
You at me dot com
W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w- (www dot love)
(you at me dot com)
I wanna log in to you (www dot love)
(you at me dot com)
I wanna log in to you (www dot love)
(you at me dot com)
I wanna wanna wanna yeah yeah (www dot love)
(you at me dot com)
Www dot love
14.Winnebago
(trevor's lines are italicized)
Winnebago!
Oh yeah!
Oh, man!
It's so great to be out in the road!
It sure is, man!
Hey, look at all them little cars going beside us.. look how
small they are!
They're so tiny! oh yeah!
We have some great perspective from up here in our
Winnebago!
Yeah, man, we got everything in here, man!
That's right.
I'm gonna make some coffee, man!
You making coffee？
You want some coffee？
I'm gonna make some photocopies!
Oh, can you make some for me？
Yeah, that'd be great!
And can you bind them for me, too？
Oh, you bet, we can do anything in our
Winnebago!
You know what？
What？
I kinda got a hankering for a hot-tub.
A hot-tub! a hot-tub!
You know, i think i might go on back to the hot-tub and give my
old bones a soak, you know what i'm saying？
Okay, well, man, don't you want to play some tennis first, man？
Tennis？ where are we going to play tennis？
On the top of our
Winnebago!
Yeah!
Oh yeah! i forgot about that!
I just put that in by the helicopter pad!
That's.. wow, the helicopter pad？
Oh yeah, man, just so we can get you and fly around, and that
way we can be even higher and look down on our
Winnebago!
You know what the funny thing about having a tennis court on top
of our winnebago
What's that, man？
Is you gotta be a pretty good tennis player, man!
Oh yeah, sure!
You don't wanna miss cause you'll lose your balls, you know what
i mean？
Oh yeah! we got lots of balls!
That's true.
Lots of balls.
We could just fill this whole thing with balls, couldn't we？
Ahhhh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Winnebago!
Hey, hey man, did you feel something man？
What do you mean, 'feel something'？
I think.. i think we just ran over some sort of mini or
something, man!
Oh no! ha ha ha!
Oh look! there's a honda civic on our grill!
Man, those guys are small!
Oh yeah, really!
They're just no match for our
Winnebago!
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, if you're still alive, come on up, buddy! come on!
Come on, we need more people to fill up our winnebago cause it's
so huge, you know!
Oh yeah, man, you could put like, half of taiwan in this place,
man!
Yeah.
We should drive there, man!
Drive to taiwan？
Well, sure, man!
Winnebago!
This baby could do anything, you know..
Really？
Yeah, we'll just blow the tires up real big!
You know what？ you know what i wanna do before we go to taiwan？
What's that, man？
I wanna stop off at north carolina and get some cheap smokes.
Yeah？ oh, that's a good idea, yeah..
We could go to bob's butt world, you know？
Oh yeah, he's got good butts, bob.
He's got serious butts.
Yeah.
We could just fill our
Winnebago!
Yeah, i'm just gonna go back to the smoking section now.
Talking about smoking, man, do you smell that？
Smell what？
Oh man! i left the turkey in the oven!
Oh no!
Oh no!
How are we gonna feed all these people？
I don't know, man!
We're gonna have to kick them out of our
Winnebago!
See you later, suckers!
Yeah, we'll see you later, man!
This is our winnebago!
Yeah, this is ours, you can't have our winnebago!
Oh yeah, we're livin' la vida loca now!
Oh yeah!
Uh-huh! uh-huh! uh-huh! uh-huh!
Oh yeah!
Yeah yeah yeah!
Yeah!
That's right
Uh-huh..
Winnebago!
Oh, that feels good!
That sure does, man!
Oh yeah, you know what？
What？
I'm tired.
Are you tired？
I think i'll go for a nap now.
Oh, in the.. in the waterbed？
No no, i was thinking of the four-poster.
Oh really？ well, i'm just gonna go to the wave pool.
Oh really？
Yeah.
Aren't you gonna drive？ someone has to drive.
What's that？
You have to drive!
Oh yeah.. i'll take the golf cart down there.
Eh, okay..no, i meant you have to drive our
Oh! you mean drive the winnebago!
Winnebago!
Yeah! oh no, we're slowing down..
Yeah, i think
I think we're running out of gas!
I think our band is, you know, getting a little tired.
Yeah.
They were counting on that turkey, man!
It's tough to have a house band in your winnebago, you know.
Winnebago!
See, they wanted to play on that one!
I know!
But you screwed them up!
They're always coming in too fast, you know, man..
Or too late!
Winnebago!
There they go again!
What was that one？
I'm getting so sick and tired of saying
Winnebago!
It's a good word though, man, it rolls right off the tongue..
Man! oh, oh..
You know, i heard that the winnebagos are an indian tribe, man.
Really？
Yeah!
An indian tribe？
Yeah, they didn't ride no horses though, man..
Did they have ladders up the side of them？
Oh yeah! no no, they just drove around in
Winnebagos!
You should have seen the cowboys when they came in and tried to
take those indians over, man!
Oh yeah! they took the bog w off for the big w ranch.
Yeah!
That's what i like to call my winnebago sometimes is the big w
ranch.
I don't know what you're talking about!
No, but i sure love my
Winnebago!
Oh yeah!
Weren't you gonna go to bed sometime, man？ i thought you were
tired？
You know, i got my second wind.
Oh, you did？
That's cause this is my second winnebago.
Oh, this is your second？
Yeah, sometimes i get tired
Uh-huh？
But then i just think of my
Winnebago!
Oh yeah.. yeah？
Sometimes.
Yeah.
You know what？
What？
I'm kinda tired again.
You really tired？
Yeah, i may go back to the west wing.
Oh yeah man, it's nice out there!
You know what else starts with w？
What？
That word that we know？
What's that？
Ah, how do you say..
Winnebago!
Oh, winnebago! i thought you were going to say washing machine!
No, no.. well..
Cause i got my clothes in there
Yeah, you could afford to do a load, you know.
I think the butler's gonna get them for me though.
Really？
Yeah.
That's a good idea. you know, the maid is mad at me.
Oh yeah？ why's that, man？
I pinched her ass.
Oh.
Yeah, that's right.
She had it coming.
That's right. well, if you're gonna ride around on my
Winnebago!
You're gonna get your ass pinched.
Oh, i'm glad you said winnebago, i thought you were gonna say
ride around on my something else!
No, nothing rude or nothing like that.
No, that's good.
Yeah man.
Wow.
Well, here's me tired again.
Aw, tired again, man？
Oh damn.
Well, you know..
You were saying？
What's that？ ah..
No, no, you go ahead. i shouldn't have interrupted you.
Winnebago!
Yeah!
I think i'm gonna go now.
Where are you going？
I'm going on the jetski.
Oh really？
Yeah.
We could like, go out on jetskis, or maybe, you know.. i'm gonna
ride the whale!
Oh, the whale!
Yeah, i'm gonna ride the humpback whale that's on the roof..
Yeah？
Near the tennis court, in the pool of our
Winnebago!
Yeah, that's right, sometimes you have to hurry quick.
Yeah, i know.
Cause the band..
I'm getting tired, man. i'm getting tired of you, you know.
You know, we're going to have to pay the band overtime for
keeping on playing.
Alright, no, they're good guys.
Yeah, they're good guys. they just wanna ride in our
Winnebago!
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